I am lost. I am tired. I am useless.
I want to end everything.
These were the exact phrases I used just 2 days ago to describe the overwhelming number of emotions that took control of me. All of it bad. Blame it on my hormones, but I already had most of those emotions years ago.o
Just 2 days ago, I picked up my phone, wrote all the things that I was feeling on the Notes application in my phone and cried myself to sleep. That day, I didn’t even go to work. I didn’t have the energy to eat nor to do anything that I loved doing before. I just didn’t have the energy to face another day (or face anyone for that matter) so I prayed hard to God. I prayed so hard for him to just take me. I thought that the world would be a better place without me in it. I have, in my heart, believed that my friends and family would be happier since they would have one less headache and heartache to deal with when I’m gone. I was depressed.
The next thing I knew, I woke up, with a bad headache and swollen eyes. I didn’t mind the headache. I didn’t mind that I looked like someone punched me on the eyes because of how swollen they were from all the crying. I did mind that I woke up. And realizing that my prayer came back unanswered made my disappoinment worst.
I dreaded that day! I came to work with a heavy heart and tried to muster up the biggest, fakest smile I could to hide the pain I was feeling from everyone. Everyone noticed my eyes but I just told them that it was due to oversleeping.
Why the emotions? Well, that is for another time.
What I want to tell the world and anyone out there who might care about me right now, on this post, is that I am trying. I am trying to make myself feel better. I may not be in the best of mental or emotional health right now, but I want you to know that I am trying.
I am trying to bring back the optimism in me.
I am trying to make myself believe that I am worth something.
I am trying to regain control of my life and my emotions.
I am trying to erase any thoughts of ending my life.
I am trying to rebuild, restore and reconstruct the damaged part of me so that I can be a better version of myself.
I am just starting. It is too early to tell if I’ll be able to do it or not.
But one thing is for sure. I will keep trying for as long as I can.
*This is in response to today’s prompt construct.
**This is also my first post on my journey in battling against depression.