First Day: Battle Against Depression

I am lost. I am tired. I am useless.

I want to end everything.

These were the exact phrases I used just 2 days ago to describe the overwhelming number of emotions that took control of me. All of it bad. Blame it on my hormones, but I already had most of those emotions years ago.o

Just 2 days ago, I picked up my phone, wrote all the things that I was feeling on the Notes application in my phone and cried myself to sleep. That day, I didn’t even go to work. I didn’t have the energy to eat nor to do anything that I loved doing before. I just didn’t have the energy to face another day (or face anyone for that matter) so I prayed hard to God. I prayed so hard for him to just take me. I thought that the world would be a better place without me in it. I have, in my heart, believed that my friends and family would be happier since they would have one less headache and heartache to deal with when I’m gone. I was depressed.

The next thing I knew, I woke up, with a bad headache and swollen eyes. I didn’t mind the headache. I didn’t mind that I looked like someone punched me on the eyes because of how swollen they were from all the crying. I did mind that I woke up. And realizing that my prayer came back unanswered made my disappoinment worst.

I dreaded that day! I came to work with a heavy heart and tried to muster up the biggest, fakest smile I could to hide the pain I was feeling from everyone. Everyone noticed my eyes but I just told them that it was due to oversleeping.

Why the emotions? Well, that is for another time.

What I want to tell the world and anyone out there who might care about me right now, on this post, is that I am trying. I am trying to make myself feel better. I may not be in the best of mental or emotional health right now, but I want you to know that I am trying.

I am trying to bring back the optimism in me.

I am trying to make myself believe that I am worth something.

I am trying to regain control of my life and my emotions.

I am trying to erase any thoughts of ending my life.

I am trying to rebuild, restore and reconstruct  the damaged part of me so that I can be a better version of myself.

I am just starting. It is too early to tell if I’ll be able to do it or not. 

But one thing is for sure. I will keep trying for as long as I can.

*This is in response to today’s prompt construct.

**This is also my first post on my journey in battling against depression.

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The Walkway

What was your purpose in doing what you did?

CYMERA_20150216_185545Purpose. Reason. Intention. End Goal.

It was almost the end of the second semester. I was in my second year of college that time. The finals week was fast approaching. I tried to study so hard but I just wasn’t able to do so. It was so difficult to focus on my exams while wondering if I can still enroll for the next semester. Read, drink coffee and CRY was all that I can do.

You see, I was not born with a silver spoon on my mouth. My family was not rich. My mom is a single mother of 2 and she’s the only one left to raise my sister and I. I remember, when I was still a kid, before my grandmother took us in, my mom would wake up very early in the morning to bake and cook some food so she could sell them to my Aunt’s office mates.

Growing up, I saw how hard my mom worked. I saw her sacrifices and I felt her pain. I wanted to do something but I was helpless. I was just a kid who hasn’t even reached High School yet. What can I do? I knew that finishing school was a long way to go but I made it my ultimate goal. I wanted to graduate. I wanted to be able to land a job and earn a good salary so that I would no longer hear my mom crying at night, praying for a miracle because she didn’t know where she could get money to feed my sister and I. So I worked hard.

I graduated from Primary School as an Academic Achiever, that was how the honor students were called in our school. I went to High School and I graduated with honors again. I was so eager to go to college because going to college meant that I only had 4 years left before I can finally reach my goal of finishing school. My mom worked so hard to be able to send me to the best school. The tuition fee was definitely more than what she was earning from our small business but that did not stop her.

My first 1 year and a half in college went well. It was difficult but I was able to manage it. I was so happy that it was only 2 years and a couple of months more before reaching my goal when my mom told me that she couldn’t afford to send me to school anymore. I knew that it broke her heart more than it broke mine but  I simply didn’t take it. I had a purpose and I needed it done. I didn’t want to stop studying. So I cried oceans of tears. I was devastated. And like my mom, I prayed for a miracle.

And a miracle happened.

I joined a performing arts group where I met the angels sent by God to help me. They knew what I was going through and they helped me. They gave me the amount needed for the enrollment. I was so happy that I will be able to enroll but at the same time very worried because I didn’t know where to get the rest of the money to pay for my tuition fee in full.

The first month of the first semester ended. I was becoming more worried because I knew that on the second month, Mid Terms were coming and I needed to pay a big amount so that I could take the exams. The only thing I could think of is to get a scholarship. Everyday, I walk around campus to read ALL the bulletin boards for announcements of any scholarship grants. I was determined. Every single day of not seeing or hearing of any scholarships did not discourage me but instead, encouraged me to look harder.

Mid terms came and I still didn’t have any scholarships. My mom went to school to talk to the finance department head and gave a promissory note. Luckily, the finance department head approved of the note and I was able to take my exams. So I continued looking.

And then one day, I was walking in the hallway of our campus, about to leave when something caught my attention. I didn’t get to check the bulletin boards that day because I studied for an exam for a major subject. I approached the bulletin board and VOILA! A company posted that they were opening 2 slots for a scholarship grant because 2 of their existing scholars were not able to hit the required grade. TWO SLOTS! I was ecstatic! I literally cried while reading the poster on that bulletin board. People would have thought that I had a fight with a boyfriend I didn’t have if they saw how hard I was crying.

And the rest is history. 

I was, am and will forever be thankful for the blessing that I received. And to show my gratitude, I made sure that I wouldn’t just simply graduate. I wanted to graduate with flying colors. AND SO I DID! There was not a semester in college that my name didn’t show up on the Dean’s list. And to top it all off, I graduated as Cum Laude.

So for the people who served as the walkway as I made my way to the peaceful shore from a sea of difficulties, THANK YOU! Because of all the help you gave me, I was able to work harder to make my dreams to come true.

You have all given life to my “purpose”.

This is in response to the prompt Purpose.

Someone’s Coming

It was a Friday night. The family was together after a couple of months of not seeing each other. We live in different cities so we rarely have get-togethers unless there’s an event or a special occasion. And this time, it was our home town’s Fiesta. We all went to our Aunt’s place which is where we usually hold reunions. Everyone was jolly. We were throwing punch lines that people outside the family will never understand. The adults were preparing dinner while the little kids were minding their own business, busy with the world they were living in at that particular moment.

My mom finally called everyone to the table. The dinner is ready. Before beginning to eat, my Aunt led a prayer. We thanked the Lord for the food and for bringing our family together. And then we ate. We all reminisced about past memories. We laughed in between bites. We joked around. And suddenly, one of my nieces dropped her fork and it fell on the ground. There was a moment of silence. Then my cousin said, “Someone’s coming for a visit.”

It is a common superstitious belief among Filipinos that when a fork drops on the floor, a man will come visit. If it was a spoon, on the other hand, a woman will come. Growing up, every time a fork drops on the floor, I remember secretly wishing that the man they say will be coming to visit is my father. Yes, I knew that it was only a superstition. I knew that there was really no man nor woman coming even if I  drop my entire plate on the floor. There was no scientific explanation, no connection. But I still wished and prayed. I still hoped.

Wishing for my father to turn up whenever a fork gets dropped on the floor caused disappointment. But it taught me one important thing. To hope.  I kept on hoping that one day, my father will show up on our doorstep. I kept hoping that somewhere, somehow, my father still thinks about me.

Hoping for something you think is impossible to happen is most of the time frustrating. It gives you tons of disappointment. It makes you question why people even hope. You might not see it now, but hoping will make everything worthwhile. I hoped, as a child, for my father to show up and when he did, it made hoping a lot sweeter. If I hadn’t hoped for it, him showing up would have felt just like any normal day. It wouldn’t have made me happier. But I did. I hoped for it. I wished and prayed and it came true.

So never stop hoping. Everything might not be how you want it to be right now, but it will be, in time. You’ll see.

This is in response to the prompt Fork.

Take It With A Grain Of Salt

To consider something to be not completely true or right is how TheFreeDictionary.com describes the idiom “take with a grain of salt”.

It was a bright sunny day. I was playing “Chinese Garter“* with my sister right outside our house. I jumped as high as I can but unfortunately, it wasn’t enough. My foot touched the garter. It was my sister’s turn. She was getting ready to jump when I noticed a car moving towards our direction. Before my sister can jump, I released my end of the garter and beckoned for her to come to the sidewalk with me and let the car pass. However, to our surprise, the car stopped right in front of us.

I was secretly ranting in my mind. Stopping right where we were playing! Who does this person think he is? He cannot just stop there! It was right in front of our house. He has no right. I didn’t even recognize the car. I’ve never seen it, ever. I demand for this driver to leave! However, since we were just kids, we just decided to let it go and just move to a different location. I crossed the street and was about to untie the other end of the garter from the lamp post when the door of the front passenger seat opened. When I saw the guy who came out of the car, I was flabbergasted. I couldn’t move. I was so thunderstruck that it took a while for my brain to process what was happening. I haven’t seen or heard from this person for quite some time. Not even calls or texts. When I finally found my voice, the only thing I was able to say was “Pa!”

You see, my mother and father are separated. My father left us for his mistress, who happens to be my cousin on HIS side of the family (a story I will share for some other time). I was barely 6 years old when my definition of family no longer included a father. At such a young age, I didn’t understand any of it. I can only remember bits and pieces of what happened on that year. I can’t remember what my mom and dad was fighting about but I can remember that my sister and I were crying so hard. I remember clinging hard to my mom because my dad wanted to take us away from her.

Growing up without a father was difficult.  I’ve grown up always questioning my worth. I was so sure that whatever goodness or affection other people are showing me are not completely true. How can I not think that when one of the two people who were supposed to always be by your side left you? How can you think that you are worth loving if you never felt love from one of the very people you thought would love you unconditionally?

I grew up a skeptic. I grew up with trust issues. When someone tells me something, I immediately question the integrity of the information and of the person. It has always been a great struggle wanting to believe something to be true with all your heart but ending up questioning it. But what is life without struggles, right?

Yes, it is difficult. What happened to my family is not something that I can just erase. Of course, it will always be a part of me. It is so deeply rooted in my soul that I will forever carry it. But I am trying. I am trying so hard to believe that I am worth it. I am worthy of the love of the people around me. I am special and I don’t always need to take everything with a grain of salt.

 

*Chinese Garter is a Filipino game. You may read more about it by clicking this link.

This is a response to the prompt “Grain“.